I Chose Love: Walking on Icy Roads

Original post January 1st, 2023 on WordPress

“It’s icy!” I exclaimed as I stepped onto the road.

We had just spent a chunk of time getting dressed in layers to go for a walk on this January 1st morning. My husband and I usually walk daily however, the snowfall and then the blizzard a week earlier had left the city streets mostly snow and ice covered. I’m fearful of falling on the ice and avoid walking on it as much as possible.

“Oh, come on!” he said, seemingly annoyed. He doesn’t often get annoyed with me and this morning, when he did, it triggered me and pissed me off. “Don’t ‘oh come on’ me!” I snapped back. “It’s ok for me to not want to fall!”

We spent most of the next several minutes walking in silence. As I occasionally slowed my pace over what I thought were icy patches he kept his patience with me and slowed his, too, so I didn’t fall behind. In my head, I worked through my thoughts. Like all humans, I often have several thoughts and feelings all at once. At that moment he said, “oh, come on!” I perceived his energy as annoyance, judgement, and dismissal or disregard for my need for safety. I had a flash thought of just saying “fuck it and fuck you” and going back in the house, forgetting the walk altogether. If it was going to be this “treacherous” just getting started what would the entire three miles be like? As I observed all that flash through my mind and body, I knew from past practice of mindfulness that I had a choice. Instead of lashing out further and quitting the interaction I could be present with my thoughts and feelings and not judge my husband for his response to my hesitation to walk on the slippery roads and not judge myself for snapping back at his response. You do not have to stand on your head to please others and others do not have to stand on their heads to please you. I’ve heard Abraham Hicks state this phrase over and over and I fully buy into it. This was an opportunity for me to practice it. It is ok for me to perceive that my husband is annoyed. Everyone gets annoyed at times. I get annoyed with him sometimes, too. That does not mean that he’s judging me or discrediting me, like my mind first perceived, and it is ok for me to be ok even if he was annoyed with me. I have no control over how he is feeling, and I do not have to change my behavior to please him or appease his perceived annoyance. AND it’s OK for me to continue to walk slowly and mindfully over the slippery patches on the road; doing what I need to do to feel safe.

Daniele Laporte writes in her book, How to be Loving, that our hearts are open all of the time and we can’t ever close them. She goes on to explain:

Our mind manufactures thoughts that veil our Loving awareness, like clouds floating through the sky. Some happiness billows by there goes a wisp of concern. A rain cloud of worry. Starry ideas. The clouds of emotions, thoughts and pure inspiration are naturally coming and going, and all the while there’s the sky itself accommodating absolutely everything in its vastness and multitasking with galaxies. The sky is being, allowing, and expanding. The sky doesn’t ever constrict. It can only be the sky discovering more of its sky-ness.

This concept came to mind, and I saw the perfect opportunity to practice it. I observed my initial reactions and feelings as turbulence in the sky that is me. I became curious about my thoughts and self-talk…wondering why I was so quick to snap back in defensiveness. Ultimately, I don’t need a reason why. I simply became curious, acknowledging the thought, and then wrapped it in the next loving thought, that I consciously chose. “You are ok and it’s ok for you to take your time walking, safely, AND enjoy your walk.” “It’s ok for him to be annoyed and for you to walk safely.” As I practiced that I was able to release the tension in my mind and body; the clouds passed by, and I lovingly watched them go. This all happened within the first five minutes of our walk and, as two gals ran past us on their morning jog and I wondered with awe and admiration how they could run on the roads without worry of slipping and falling, my husband initiated conversation as normal; further clearing the air and the cloudy start to our morning venture.

As it turns out the last half mile of our walk had the cleanest roads, and I could walk freely at our normal pace without having to look at the road watching for ice. It felt so good to be outside again after more than a week of no outside walks. I’m so glad I made the conscious, loving, choice to not say “fuck it!” and go back into the house.